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How to communicate your needs

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Communicate your needs on Daily Inspiration Board

I always find that the hardest things in life are those that appear on the surface the easiest and most obvious things to do.

Communicating your needs is one of those things. It seems like it should be human nature to be able to do this, and it probably is – on the surface. For basic things like food, water, shelter, we’re pretty good at communicating our needs. For more complex things like love, attention, and respect, it can be a lot tougher.

In my experience, people only know what you tell them. I recall during my year 12 Higher School Certificate (HSC) exams that I really needed my friends around because I was feeling stressed out, sad and lonely. I assumed that my closest friends would realise how I felt by some sort of intuition, and act accordingly.

Of course, they were probably going through their own teenage issues at the time and had many different elements of their own lives demanding their full attention. So no, they didn’t get it. This is not limited to stressful periods such as the HSC.

There is a flipside to this. The best way of having your own needs met by others, is to give what you need to them.

For example, if you need your friends to be there for you during tough times, you first need to be there for them during tough times. If you need more respect from your partner, or your family, you first need to deliver that respect to them.

It’s an ongoing learning curve, but here’s how I’ve discovered it’s best to communicate your needs:

Work out what your needs are

Sounds simple, right? Wrong. In many instances, we end up feeling stressed out and aren’t sure why. We take it out on the small things – the dishes that must be done, the meal that needs to be cooked, the report that needs completion. Usually, it’s not the small task that is the problem. It’s that you feel emotionally or spiritually malnourished – and pretty often, if you sit and dispassionately think about it for a while, you can pinpoint the source of the bigger issue. Feel under-appreciated at home? Feel over-worked and like you don’t have enough time for yourself? Feel like your friends aren’t there for you? Look inwards to discover the true source of your pain.

Talk about it with someone close to you – without blame

Last week, I wrote about how to keep your cool in a sticky situation. I wrote that blaming others is not the way to approach a frank and honest discussion – because they will automatically feel defensive. Rather, talk about how the situation makes you feel and accept responsibility for your own reactions. Remember, how you feel is how you choose to feel – it’s not something that’s being forced upon you. If you can dispassionately discuss the source of your tension, you automatically halve the problem and are able to look for a solution. Usually, the person you’re discussing your feelings with won’t have even realised you felt that way – until you tell them.

Give to others what you need for yourself

I had this discussion with one of my best friends a while back. We talked about when you come out of a relationship in which you may have alienated your friends a little (who doesn’t at the beginning of a relationship?!) and to get them back, you need to make the effort. They’ve probably stopped calling you – so you need to be the one to call, and not expect anything in return. You need to drive to events, you need to arrange things. Don’t just sit around and wait for an invitation or the phone to ring – because it probably won’t. There’s a limit, of course – if you’re forever making effort and getting nothing back in return, it could be a one-sided relationship. However, it’s best to plan to give more than you get. If it’s a positive, functional relationship, they’ll reciprocate – eventually.

Similarly, with partners or with family, look at your own actions. Are you constantly feeling like someone is making you feel a certain way? You’re probably making them feel that way, too. Give to them what you want back. By doing this, you’re setting an example and providing a framework for the relationship to flourish.

Which approach do you take to communicate what you need?

The post How to communicate your needs appeared first on Daily Inspiration Board.


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